Ask an Autistic*: What Do Meltdowns Feel Like?

And How Can I Help?

When I was young I would lose all control if I accidentally touched a seat belt strap, if I heard certain sounds, if someone entered my room, or if my mom put sweaters on me. And tights? Completely out of the question.

Meltdowns are not tantrums. An autistic person or child who is having a meltdown is overwhelmed, not defiant. Meltdowns can physically look different for each person. But what does a meltdown feel like for them?

What Does a Meltdown Feel Like?

Honestly, it feels like a sudden tornado entering your brain. And when a tornado hits, things start breaking, swirling through the air with such force that you couldn’t stop them even if you tried. Those are your thoughts, scattered in the storm in your head. Some people might not talk, and this isn’t on purpose. They might want to respond but the words can’t leave their lips. 

For me, hearing certain sounds or feeling certain sensations physically hurts. Like the worst brain freeze you’ve ever had in your life, minus the bonus of the ice cream. And at the moment you can’t even explain to someone how it affects you, you just know you need everything to stop right now.

There is a scene in the TV series Atypical on Netflix that is such an accurate portrayal of what a meltdown feels like in someone’s mind. The scene starts when Sam (the autistic character) gets some unwanted news. Suddenly things get a little hazy, the lights seem so much brighter, the sounds seem so much louder, he hears his counselor and others talking to him but it just isn’t being processed. His breathing becomes more erratic, and in an attempt to self-soothe he repeats words to himself, but eventually, he is driven over the edge by a sparkling bracelet shining in his eyes. 

His physical manifestation of a meltdown included rocking back and forth, curling in a ball, and pulling at his hair. Your child or loved one may do something similar but it can be different for everyone. 

What Is Needed During a Meltdown?

People who mask* their autism more might break down crying, get very quiet or not speak at all, and may seem to zone off. They might have more subtle soothing behavior such as twirling hair, nail-biting, or scratching/picking. You can ask your child or student to write down (or you can write down) on index cards different things they might need from you or things that would help them. Examples could be: “I need space” on one card, “I need cold water,” or “I need headphones” on another card. For children still learning to read, the cards could have pictures on them of various things. If they aren’t able to talk to you they can hand you whatever card with what they need from you at that moment. 

The comedown from a meltdown can be very draining. It feels like your body went into fight or flight but it chose both and you just ran for miles beating yourself up along the way. A lot of autistic people are aware their meltdowns may not be so “typical” for most people. They might feel embarrassed at their reaction. Emotions are nothing to be ashamed of, however. Everyone has them, and by helping find the trigger and a soothing solution, you can help your child/loved one learn more about themselves and gain independence.

How Can I Help Calm a Meltdown?

If they are verbal make a game plan ahead of time. Observe their comfort items and behaviors when they are in a moment of self-soothing. Ask them what they would like to have when they are upset. Try to have those items on hand when you go places, make it just as much of a priority as a purse or wallet. If they aren’t sure, offer different ideas, things you’ve seen them with often (a certain toy/object, blanket/ headphones). If your loved one/child is in public, attempt to take them somewhere more private, if you’re at the store tell the clerk you’ll be back for your cart and go to the car. Offer them headphones, and play a calming song they like. If they are hitting or scratching themselves, they might be seeking sensory input, so gently squeeze their arm or hand. You could also use a sensory brush. 

If they are crying or screaming a trick that calms my autistic twins in seconds is holding them so they are facing me, placing my hands on their backs, and pressing their chest against mine. Then I’ll inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth deeply. I get them to match my deep breathing after a few breaths, which helps soothe them (and myself) in a matter of seconds. Just telling someone who is upset to take deep breaths and calm down won’t work because they are so overstimulated that they can’t properly take in that information.

If it doesn’t work quickly, I’ll use my exhaled breath to blow gently on their arm, or face. A change in a sensation in the body is very grounding. It naturally reminds us to come back to the present moment and makes us more mindful. So a cool light breath on the arm or face helps to bring my kids back to the present and join me in my breaths. Your autistic loved one may find certain scents appealing and calming. If you’re at home you can light a candle they like or offer a cotton ball in a jar of essential oil they like. My son likes it when I hand him an ice cube. 

Identifying Emotions

Many autistic people struggle with identifying emotions not just in others, but in themselves as well. I’ll talk to them very softly and explain their feeling. This is not only to validate their feelings, it shows you’re understanding and helps them put a label on the emotion and trigger. For example saying, “I understand you’re feeling (overwhelmed/sad/upset) because of (what happened).” 

Meltdowns can be difficult to navigate, but once you and your child or loved one learn how to soothe, it gets easier. 

Please share in the comment section below what you have found helpful in soothing a child with autism. I would love to hear from you.

*Mask is a term used to describe an autistic person who will consciously or unconsciously hide their autistic traits to fit in with peers or family. 

We hope you enjoyed the information in this article. STAGES® Learning also offers free downloadable resources to support teaching and learning with individuals with autism. Start with our free Picture Noun Cards and see our collection of other downloadable resources here!